I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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