This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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