Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he just fucked me for my cheese..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
