Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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