I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
