hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
