Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sober January is a disaster.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
