I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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