Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
