so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
