Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
my poor anus
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
