dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My vagina is officially offended.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
