Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
