The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
