At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
