guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
