Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
