I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
