great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
