whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We just shotgunned beers for America
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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