My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
