Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
