You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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