So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
