I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
