I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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