I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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