I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
And then he peed in my hair
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