I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
