We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
