even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
