If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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