I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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