She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
