eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
