Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
