He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
