just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
