I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
