i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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