I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
