I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
