The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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