On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
