the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
