Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
