Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
