Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you traded sex for a burrito?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
