A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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