Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
