Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
