Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
