we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
