Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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